Guys. There may be times when you feel your wife or long-term girlfriend has been sleeping with another man. You may suspect she is even pregnant from this activity, and you are not the father. There is a way to fix this, using traditional medicines and some magic, so that your wife/girlfriend will have a spontaneous abortion if you are not the father of the child. You will need an ancient Canaanite or Hebrew priest to help mix up the concoction, and you have to go find The Lord himself (Plan ahead! He is not always available!) to help out as well, but overall, the procedure is not that difficult.
Below the fold.
~ A repost … because the Bible is Still Out There. As it were ~
11 Then the LORD said to Moses, 12 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him 13 by sleeping with another man, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), 14 and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure–or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure- 15 then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah [c] of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.
16 ” ‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the LORD. 17 Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. 18 After the priest has had the woman stand before the LORD, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. 19 Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, “If no other man has slept with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. 20 But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have defiled yourself by sleeping with a man other than your husband”- 21 here the priest is to put the woman under this curse of the oath-“may the LORD cause your people to curse and denounce you when he causes your thigh to waste away and your abdomen to swell. [d] 22 May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells and your thigh wastes away. [e] ”
” ‘Then the woman is to say, “Amen. So be it.”
23 ” ‘The priest is to write these curses on a scroll and then wash them off into the bitter water. 24 He shall have the woman drink the bitter water that brings a curse, and this water will enter her and cause bitter suffering. 25 The priest is to take from her hands the grain offering for jealousy, wave it before the LORD and bring it to the altar. 26 The priest is then to take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial offering and burn it on the altar; after that, he is to have the woman drink the water. 27 If she has defiled herself and been unfaithful to her husband, then when she is made to drink the water that brings a curse, it will go into her and cause bitter suffering; her abdomen will swell and her thigh waste away, [f] and she will become accursed among her people. 28 If, however, the woman has not defiled herself and is free from impurity, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children.
29 ” ‘This, then, is the law of jealousy when a woman goes astray and defiles herself while married to her husband, 30 or when feelings of jealousy come over a man because he suspects his wife. The priest is to have her stand before the LORD and is to apply this entire law to her. 31 The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing, but the woman will bear the consequences of her sin.’ ”
Source: If ye must ask, ye shall be smitten.
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Yet more for your “Bible verses to counter fundie’s arguments” folder.
Thanks!
This is soooo going to be a plank of the Republican party in 2012. Call it the “Purity Panel”
Cool! Who says the bible is not useful? Where is this in it?
Apparently God doesn’t find chicks with swollen bellies and emaciated thighs attractive.
I spoke with all 20 of the ancient Canaanite priests in my neighborhood but could not get them to help with either my pregnant wife or my five pregnant girlfriends. Oh well.
Ha! Sorry, I cited the verse but not the chapter This is from Numbers. The old scripture, not the TV show.
“If your belly swells this ritual says you’re a whore, even if it was your husband who impregnated you.”
This is Numbers 5:11-31
http://niv.scripturetext.com/numbers/5.htm
So this is the biblical version of RU-486?
So much for the bible being against abortion. In this case, it mandates it.
But what do you do if your tabernacle has a clean floor?
Mo’ betta versions:
http://www.thebricktestament.com//the_law/female_infidelity/nm05_14p13.html
http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/num/5.html
Just remembered the “Bible Study For Atheists” blog. Sadly, the author’s real life took over, but here’s the Numbers 5 entry:
http://bs4a.blogspot.com/2008/01/numbers-5.html
This is still not as bad as that fascist baby killing freakshow whore that Glenn Beck was talkig about the other night. The one that was in the UK who admitted she would intentionally smother her baby with a pillow. Sounds like she needs it done to her. And, what about Peter King’s idea of genocide? That far left communist cock sucking freak should be locked in solitary and tortured for decades for promoting the murder of children who are deemed “undesirable”. What is “undesirable” is Godophobic freaks like this.
@daedalus: No, RU-486 is not so inhumane (which is probably why god doesn’t approve of it).
It seems easier just to raise the damn kid!
And what happens to the rest of that nice grain? Does it become beer or bread for the priest?
I’m not sure it’s about abortion per se. The way I understand the mumbo-jumbo, it sounds more like punitive sterilization, with a magic lie-detector built in.
Of course, sterilization is also wrong for modern fundies.
Captain Sasparilla
I take it, given you’re using Glenn Beck as your source, that you a) are not from Britain, b) did not actually see the show in question, and c) have absolutely no idea as to what debate was being held, or what Virginia Ironside actually said.
What she actually said was not entirely unreasonable. What she actually said – in the context of a debate on abortion – was that if she had a child that was in insufferable and incurable pain, she would be the first to put a pillow over it’s face. Before you recoil in automatic shock-filled “oh my dawg, their randomly killing babies” bullshit, think about it. There is precedent here. It is not unusual for courts to allow life-saving care to be removed from small children who’s future quality of life would be irreparably harmed if the treatment would be permitted to continue – ie. the child would suffer horribly and constantly throughout what small time remained in their lives.
The simple fact is that in many cases we treat our pets more humanely than we treat people.
As for the Peter King tirade, I have no idea who Peter King is, so I can’t really comment on that. However, given the hyperbolic nature of your reaction to whatever he may or may not have said, I can safely assume you’re talking bollocks.
@toto (and Dorothy):
sterilization is right for modern commies. If I ever found out I had been sterilized by some left wing fascist commie asshole, I would hunt the worthless shit for brains freakshow responsible down and sterilize them with a baseball bat and about four hours of fun times. Forced sterilization should be illegal and carry the death penalty. Sterilize their brains. I wonder if our commie african Van Jones is still wanting to sterilize everyone. Someone should sterilize his mouth with their fist. Nevermind. He would just go get more gold teeth and improve his IRA. Wait. Comminist freaks don;t belive in IRAs. They hate capitalism. Van Jones and freakshow assholes like him are a national security risk. More so than the taliban ever was.
You think this can’t happen on a mass scale?! IT HAS. Gardasil will STERILIZE girls with a genetic hemochromatosis factor (HFE gene/pk deficiency/metal overload/G6PD, thelassemia, sickle-cell) if they don’t start taking B-vitamins. Gardasil uses polysorbates – a known fertility impairing ingredient. Here’s a link … http://www.wipo.int/pctdb/en/wo.jsp?wo=1999034825&IA=US1998027658&DISPLAY=DESC
Hemochromatosis is THE MOST PREVALENT GENETIC TRAIT IN THE USA … Why haven’t we heard of it? Check out HFE and breast cancer … self=explanatory.
This is what the “establishment” doesn’t want you to know …
http://www.wipo.int/pctdb/en/wo.jsp?wo=2007017261&IA=EP2006007865&DISPLAY=DESC
This link shows the health benefits of nicotinic acid (niacin/nicotine). It has all sorts of healing benefits because it binds with excess metals in the body. That’s why people smoke. The nicotine isn’t additive, but the body craves it (as niacin it works with the krebs cycle to make new rbc’s).
Eugenics is nothing new – and history does repeat itself. Instead of rx’s, try googling vitamin deficiencies and your symptom. I never believed it until my daughter was the target of hate and eugenics. Pass the word – it’s a scary world we live in today. And pray to God that he will stop this madness.