{"id":10544,"date":"2012-01-05T10:11:32","date_gmt":"2012-01-05T10:11:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/scienceblogs.com\/gregladen\/2012\/01\/05\/how-to-speke-inglish\/"},"modified":"2012-01-05T10:11:32","modified_gmt":"2012-01-05T10:11:32","slug":"how-to-speke-inglish","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/2012\/01\/05\/how-to-speke-inglish\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Speke Inglish"},"content":{"rendered":"

I had never heard of The Chaos<\/em> before today. I suppose that makes me unkulterd, and I’m afraid that I can’t use the excuse that it came out in the 1980s when I was either in a trench underneath Boston or deep in the Jungles of Zaire, or doing double duty taking classes and teaching and writing a thesis. Chaos is a poem by Gerard Nolst Trenit\u00c3\u00a9 that demonstrates the lockstep association between English words as we say them, and English words as we write (spel) them. In other words, Chaos, using the non-mathematical meaning of the word.<\/p>\n

The poem exists in many forms. I found what is probably the best “original” version, but the copy I found italicizes the words that you are suppose to notice, and includes line numbers. The italics makes it too easy and the numbers are distracting. So, I’ve decided to give you a link to that authoritative version<\/a>, but provide a transcript sans italics below the fold.<\/p>\n


\nThe Chaos.<\/strong>
\nGerard Nolst Trenit\u00c3\u00a9.<\/em><\/p>\n

Dearest creature in creation
\nStudying English pronunciation,
\nI will teach you in my verse<\/p>\n

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.<\/p>\n

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
\nMake your head with heat grow dizzy;
\nTear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;<\/p>\n

Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.<\/p>\n

Pray, console your loving poet,
\nMake my coat look new, dear, sew it!
\nJust compare heart, hear and heard,<\/p>\n

Dies and diet, lord and word.<\/p>\n

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
\n(Mind the latter how it’s written).
\nMade has not the sound of bade,<\/p>\n

Say – said, pay – paid, laid but plaid.<\/p>\n

Now I surely will not plague you
\nWith such words as vague and ague,
\nBut be careful how you speak,<\/p>\n

Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,<\/p>\n

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
\nRecipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
\nWoven, oven, how and low,<\/p>\n

Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.<\/p>\n

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
\nDaughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
\nBranch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,<\/p>\n

Missiles, similes, reviles.<\/p>\n

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
\nSame, examining, but mining,
\nScholar, vicar, and cigar,<\/p>\n

Solar, mica, war and far.<\/p>\n

From “desire”: desirable – admirable from “admire”,
\nLumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
\nTopsham, brougham, renown, but known,<\/p>\n

Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,<\/p>\n

One, anemone, Balmoral,
\nKitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
\nGertrude, German, wind and wind,<\/p>\n

Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,<\/p>\n

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
\nReading, Reading, heathen, heather.
\nThis phonetic labyrinth<\/p>\n

Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.<\/p>\n

Have you ever yet endeavoured
\nTo pronounce revered and severed,
\nDemon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,<\/p>\n

Peter, petrol and patrol?<\/p>\n

Billet does not end like ballet;
\nBouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
\nBlood and flood are not like food,<\/p>\n

Nor is mould like should and would.<\/p>\n

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
\nWhich exactly rhymes with khaki.
\nDiscount, viscount, load and broad,<\/p>\n

Toward, to forward, to reward,<\/p>\n

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
\nRight! Your pronunciation’s OK.
\nRounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,<\/p>\n

Friend and fiend, alive and live.<\/p>\n

Is your R correct in higher?
\nKeats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.
\nHugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,<\/p>\n

Buoyant, minute, but minute.<\/p>\n

Say abscission with precision,
\nNow: position and transition;
\nWould it tally with my rhyme<\/p>\n

If I mentioned paradigm?<\/p>\n

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
\nBut cease, crease, grease and greasy?
\nCornice, nice, valise, revise,<\/p>\n

Rabies, but lullabies.<\/p>\n

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
\nRhyming well with cautious, tortious,
\nYou’ll envelop lists, I hope,<\/p>\n

In a linen envelope.<\/p>\n

Would you like some more? You’ll have it!
\nAffidavit, David, davit.
\nTo abjure, to perjure. Sheik<\/p>\n

Does not sound like Czech but ache.<\/p>\n

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
\nRachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
\nWe say hallowed, but allowed,<\/p>\n

People, leopard, towed but vowed.<\/p>\n

Mark the difference, moreover,
\nBetween mover, plover, Dover.
\nLeeches, breeches, wise, precise,<\/p>\n

Chalice, but police and lice,<\/p>\n

Camel, constable, unstable,
\nPrinciple, disciple, label.
\nPetal, penal, and canal,<\/p>\n

Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,<\/p>\n

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
\nRhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it”,
\nBut it is not hard to tell<\/p>\n

Why it’s pall, mall, but Pall Mall.<\/p>\n

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
\nTimber, climber, bullion, lion,
\nWorm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,<\/p>\n

Senator, spectator, mayor,<\/p>\n

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
\nHas the A of drachm and hammer.
\nPussy, hussy and possess,<\/p>\n

Desert, but desert, address.<\/p>\n

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
\nHoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
\nCourier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,<\/p>\n

Cow, but Cowper, some and home.<\/p>\n

“Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker”,
\nQuoth he, “than liqueur or liquor”,
\nMaking, it is sad but true,<\/p>\n

In bravado, much ado.<\/p>\n

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
\nNeither does devour with clangour.
\nPilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,<\/p>\n

Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.<\/p>\n

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
\nRelic, rhetoric, hygienic.
\nGooseberry, goose, and close, but close,<\/p>\n

Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.<\/p>\n

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
\nMake the latter rhyme with eagle.
\nMind! Meandering but mean,<\/p>\n

Valentine and magazine.<\/p>\n

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
\nYou say mani-(fold) like many,
\nWhich is wrong. Say rapier, pier,<\/p>\n

Tier (one who ties), but tier.<\/p>\n

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
\nRhyme with herring or with stirring?
\nPrison, bison, treasure trove,<\/p>\n

Treason, hover, cover, cove,<\/p>\n

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
\nRhymes (but piebald doesn’t) with nibbled.
\nPhaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,<\/p>\n

Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.<\/p>\n

Don’t be down, my own, but rough it,
\nAnd distinguish buffet, buffet;
\nBrood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,<\/p>\n

Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.<\/p>\n

Say in sounds correct and sterling
\nHearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
\nEvil, devil, mezzotint,<\/p>\n

Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)<\/p>\n

Now you need not pay attention
\nTo such sounds as I don’t mention,
\nSounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,<\/p>\n

Rhyming with the pronoun yours;<\/p>\n

Nor are proper names included,
\nThough I often heard, as you did,
\nFunny rhymes to unicorn,<\/p>\n

Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.<\/p>\n

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
\nI don’t want to speak of Cholmondeley.
\nNo. Yet Froude compared with proud<\/p>\n

Is no better than McLeod.<\/p>\n

But mind trivial and vial,
\nTripod, menial, denial,
\nTroll and trolley, realm and ream,<\/p>\n

Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.<\/p>\n

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
\nMay be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
\nBut you’re not supposed to say<\/p>\n

Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.<\/p>\n

Had this invalid invalid
\nWorthless documents? How pallid,
\nHow uncouth he, couchant, looked,<\/p>\n

When for Portsmouth I had booked!<\/p>\n

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
\nParamour, enamoured, flighty,
\nEpisodes, antipodes,<\/p>\n

Acquiesce, and obsequies.<\/p>\n

Please don’t monkey with the geyser,
\nDon’t peel ‘taters with my razor,
\nRather say in accents pure:<\/p>\n

Nature, stature and mature.<\/p>\n

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
\nWorsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
\nConquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,<\/p>\n

Wan, sedan and artisan.<\/p>\n

The TH will surely trouble you
\nMore than R, CH or W.
\nSay then these phonetic gems:<\/p>\n

Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.<\/p>\n

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
\nThere are more but I forget ’em –
\nWait! I’ve got it: Anthony,<\/p>\n

Lighten your anxiety.<\/p>\n

The archaic word albeit
\nDoes not rhyme with eight – you see it;
\nWith and forthwith, one has voice,<\/p>\n

One has not, you make your choice.<\/p>\n

Shoes, goes, does [1]. Now first say: finger;
\nThen say: singer, ginger, linger.
\nReal, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,<\/p>\n

Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,<\/p>\n

Hero, heron, query, very,
\nParry, tarry, fury, bury,
\nDost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,<\/p>\n

Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.<\/p>\n

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
\nBowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
\nHolm you know, but noes, canoes,<\/p>\n

Puisne, truism, use, to use?<\/p>\n

Though the difference seems little,
\nWe say actual, but victual,
\nSeat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,<\/p>\n

Put, nut, granite, and unite<\/p>\n

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
\nFeoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
\nDull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,<\/p>\n

Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.<\/p>\n

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
\nScience, conscience, scientific;
\nTour, but our, dour, succour, four,<\/p>\n

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.<\/p>\n

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
\nNext omit, which differs from it
\nBona fide, alibi<\/p>\n

Gyrate, dowry and awry.<\/p>\n

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
\nPsalm, Maria, but malaria.
\nYouth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,<\/p>\n

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.<\/p>\n

Compare alien with Italian,
\nDandelion with battalion,
\nRally with ally; yea, ye,<\/p>\n

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!<\/p>\n

Say aver, but ever, fever,
\nNeither, leisure, skein, receiver.
\nNever guess – it is not safe,<\/p>\n

We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.<\/p>\n

Starry, granary, canary,
\nCrevice, but device, and eyrie,
\nFace, but preface, then grimace,<\/p>\n

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.<\/p>\n

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
\nOught, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
\nEar, but earn; and ere and tear<\/p>\n

Do not rhyme with here but heir.<\/p>\n

Mind the O of off and often
\nWhich may be pronounced as orphan,
\nWith the sound of saw and sauce;<\/p>\n

Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.<\/p>\n

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
\nYes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
\nRespite, spite, consent, resent.<\/p>\n

Liable, but Parliament.<\/p>\n

Seven is right, but so is even,
\nHyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
\nMonkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,<\/p>\n

Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.<\/p>\n

A of valour, vapid, vapour,
\nS of news (compare newspaper),
\nG of gibbet, gibbon, gist,<\/p>\n

I of antichrist and grist,<\/p>\n

Differ like diverse and divers,
\nRivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
\nOnce, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,<\/p>\n

Polish, Polish, poll and poll.<\/p>\n

Pronunciation – think of Psyche! –
\nIs a paling, stout and spiky.
\nWon’t it make you lose your wits<\/p>\n

Writing groats and saying ‘grits’?<\/p>\n

It’s a dark abyss or tunnel
\nStrewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
\nIslington, and Isle of Wight,<\/p>\n

Housewife, verdict and indict.<\/p>\n

Don’t you think so, reader, rather,
\nSaying lather, bather, father?
\nFinally, which rhymes with enough,<\/p>\n

Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??<\/p>\n

Hiccough has the sound of sup…
\nMy advice is: GIVE IT UP!<\/p>\n

[1] No, you’re wrong. This is the plural of doe.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I had never heard of The Chaos before today. I suppose that makes me unkulterd, and I’m afraid that I can’t use the excuse that it came out in the 1980s when I was either in a trench underneath Boston or deep in the Jungles of Zaire, or doing double duty taking classes and teaching … Continue reading How to Speke Inglish<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"1","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[5020],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5fhV1-2K4","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10544"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10544"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10544\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10544"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10544"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gregladen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10544"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}