I see the brown streaks and spots and blotches all across your lawn, every brown area exactly like every other in its tone and hue, because all were caused by a single event, that being your misapplication of high-nitrogen fertilizer, as part of your misguided effort to make your lawn look like a golf course, which I assure you is an entirely futile expenditure of energy. Everyone in the neighborhood does this: They put fertilizer, weed killer, fungicide, grub-killer, and who knows what else all over their lawns. On this sandy plain, most of the chemicals are washed instantly into the ground-water. That ground water is then collected by the city and cleaned up, and pumped into water towers like the one that casts a shadow on your so-called lawn. That is the water we drink, provide to our children, and bathe in. I assume the city has done a good job cleaning your chemical wastes out of the water. But, I also know that they had to work harder and spend more of our money to do so because you put so much fertilizer (souped up with weed killer and grubicide, no doubt) on your lawn that it killed half your grass. So not only are you an idiot because you are shitting, essentially, in your own water bowl, but we all KNOW you are an idiot because you have left incontrovertible evidence of your inability to read and follow directions in the form of giant brown hieroglyphs splayed across what was once a greenish lawn in front of your ugly house, but is now a billboard announcing your selfish suburban sense of privilege.
I am grateful that in observing how foolish you look, neighbor, my own staunch commitment to not add one drop of fertilizer, weed killer, fungicide or grub killer to my lawn is reaffirmed. Which means, since someone else mows my lawn, that I’m done with yard work for the day, and can now refocus my efforts on replacing that leaking water heater.